Middle Aged Dress Code Violations

I’m tired today.  Like Monday tired, brain tired, bone tired, and everything in between tired.  I told myself that when I’m this tired I probably shouldn’t write.  But  then I got on Facebook, and Lord Have Mercy!  I have so much to say!  My friends have heard me talk about clothing and age appropriateness before, but I’ve gotta circle back!

Since it’s October let’s be festive and talk about costumes.  If you are over 25, married, or a mother, there are just some things you should NOT wear as a costume.  I really don’t care if you are going to an adult Halloween party, going out with your man, or handing out candy on your front porch.  No self respecting 30 something or older should be showing their hind end to the world.  It’s NOT sexy.  You look stupid, and desperate for attention.  And if Little Jimmy can see where his good buddy, Parker used to get his breakfast, then you need to put your girls away!  Ladies, it is Halloween, not Hugh Hefner’s birthday party!  Now we’ve addressed what shouldn’t be hanging out.  Let’s go ahead and talk about what shouldn’t be sandwiched in.  If I can see your lady bits, your pants are too tight.  If I can read your rolls, body dimples, and indentation of every stretch mark, then you need a bigger size.  I do not need to be able to read your body like a 3D map of the interstate.  Thank you, but no thank you.  So go stand in the mirror.  Take a good look.  Now raise your arms.  Are your cheeks hanging out?  Bend over.  Did Little Sally’s buffet just fall out?  If you answered yes to either of these questions, GO CHANGE!!!!!

Now let’s venture over to Homecoming pictures.  Let me be clear….It’s not your homecoming!  Your moment is over!  Let your child shine, and dress accordingly.  I should not scroll through Homecoming pictures and see Mama Bear dressed in sequins, and a belly shirt and heels standing next to Little Stella and her date.  No Ma’am!  You’re too old, and you look silly.  Leave the sequins to Stella, and get out of the group photos!  Odds are Stella looks better in that top anyway.  Now don’t make me tell you again in May when it’s time for Prom!

Now let’s talk about your every day wear.  These are the things I see in the grocery store, when I’m out to dinner, and out running errands.  I just can’t stay quiet anymore!  I don’t care if you are  man shopping or not, keep a few things in mind.  A man that picks you up when you are shopping for melons wearing a leopard print dress cut to your belly button and 6 inch heels is NOT interested in your ability to make the world’s best apple pie or the fact that you sing in the church choir!  Now stop going to the store like you just left work on the corner!  No ma’am!  No ma’am!  No ma’am!  And if I can see what color your Victoria’s Secret underwear is, then it’s not a secret!  Quit stealing your daughter’s low rise jeans, and buy some normal ones.  I don’t like seeing my plummer’s butt crack, and your’s isn’t any cuter.  I don’t want to see your boobs, belly button, butt cheeks, or any of your other mysteries!  PUT THEM AWAY!  I’ve had it.  Some of you are 40 years old, and I see you half naked leaning against your teenager’s car for a quick selfie before you go serve his friends homemade cookies.  Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!  You are not Stifler’s mom, and why would you want to be anyway?  Now go find some jeans, a nice boat neck shirt, and a scarf.  It’s getting cold outside, and you’re nipping.  Cover it up!

So here is the bottom line.  I believe women are sexy at all ages, and we need to appreciate and love the way we look in every season of our lives.  If you are in the mom crowd or the over 30 crowd, please have a little self respect.  I’m not saying you have to dress frumpy, or not be proud of your body.  I’m simply saying dress age appropriately.  Showing all your goodies at the PTA meeting doesn’t make you look attractive.  It makes you look like a middle aged woman who is desperate for attention.  No go inside, take off that nonsense, and put some clothes on!!!!!

I haven’t attached a picture, because I don’t want to offend anyone.  I’m too tired to deal with the drama attached with some people’s reality.  So insert your own mental image.  We all know someone who this post applies to!

Published by


I'm a Christian mom and wife, former journalist, and southern girl. I love monograms, sweet tea, and saying yes ma'am and ya'll.