Did I Mention It’s Frozen?

Getting older is tough.  I have to work two times harder to stay in shape, and forget about driving  through Krispy Kreme at 10 PM for a dozen donuts.  I feel my hips laughing at me for even thinking about donuts!  So that’s why what I’m about to tell you is such a big deal.

All week I count calories, log macros, and bust my butt in the gym with one thought ever present.  “Do it for the cheat day, Katie.”  As every salty drop of sweat further ruins my makeup, I plan that cheat meal.  As I eat yet another hard boiled egg minus the yolk, I relish in the thought of my Saturday cheat.  Seriously ya’ll, I begin thinking about my next cheat meal at midnight as Sunday rings itself in.  I still curse the day when I was a size 2, and ate junk at every meal.  Why did I complain that I couldn’t gain weight?!

Anyway, this week it was all about the pumpkin cheesecake.  There is nothing that quite says Fall like a creamy slice of Cheesecake Factory pumpkin cheesecake.  I’m salivating just thinking about it right now.  Now our little town doesn’t have a Cheesecake Factory, but we have a Barnes and Noble that kindly serves some of their treats.

I jumped out of bed Saturday morning.  Can someone please tell me why I could sleep until noon on a weekday, but when Saturday rolls around, I’m awake by 8?!  I dutifully ate eggs for breakfast with a cup of coffee.  No sense in blowing all my hard work this week.  I mean…there is cheesecake in my future!  I do all those chores mothers do on Saturdays, then head off to my son’s flag football game.  I hop into the car, and am very firm.  “We are going to get my cheesecake after the game.  Don’t make any other plans.  This is happening.”  By now my husband is used to this craziness, and he smiles and nods.  No point arguing with a crazy women who is dieting.  I sit through that game, cheering on my baby boy, silently counting down the minutes standing between me and my cheesecake.  Game’s over!  We take a few end of season photos, and it’s now officially cheesecake time!

I ask Pete to park far away.  “I’ve gotta get my steps in!”  He looks so confused.  His looks basically says, “This woman is about to go eat a 6000 calorie piece of cheesecake, but she is worried about her steps?!”  But once again he just smiles, and does as I ask.  He and my son opt to forgo the craziness that is cheesecake, and they go elsewhere.  I rush into the bookstore.  This is it!  This is  the moment I have been waiting for!

I march up to the line.  It’s absurdly long today.  I swear if one person does anything stupid to slow down the cheesecake process it could get ugly!  The line is moving….I’m getting closer.  Wait!  No!  This can’t be right.  WHERE IS THE PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE?!  I see the sign.  But where is the tray full of cheesecake? I feel my eye begin to twitch a little.  Deep breathes…”Hello ma’am.  Can I help you?”  Be nice Katie…Be nice!  “Ummm…yes.  Hi.  See, I’ve waited all week for pumpkin cheesecake.  I see the sign here advertising it, but it’s not here.”  Oh wow.  I think my voice just got a little shouty and panicked.  This is not a good look for you Katie.  Be cool.  I take another deep breathe.  The gentleman smiles and tells me he will ask if they have anymore in the back.  It’s friggin fall.  It’s pumpkin.  It should be in the damn cabinet, NOT IN THE BACK!!!!!  I feel myself start to fall apart a little.  If I’m not careful I’m going to be on the sequel of Girl Interrupted.  “I’m sorry ma’am.  We’re all out.”  I’m a lady.  I can do this.  I smile and ask for the red velvet cheesecake instead.  Wait, why does this strange man keep interrupting me?  I’m trying not to have a meltdown, and he’s not helping!  I sigh, realizing that this crazy man is going to keep interrupting until I let him speak.  “Ma’am I just checked.  We have a frozen pie in the back.  But it’s frozen.  I need to stress that it’s frozen.”  “Pie?  I didn’t order pie?”  “I mean pumpkin cheesecake.  I have some of that.  But again, it’s frozen.  You can’t eat it now.”  “I’ll take it!  Bag it up.  Send it home.  I don’t care!  Let me have it!!!”  “So is this to go?”  Ya’ll this man’s head must be made of cheese.  Didn’t he just tell me it’s frozen and I can’t eat it yet?  Why in the Sam Hill would I want it for here if I can’t eat it now?!  But I’m nice because he holds my precious cheesecake for ransom.  I smile and tell him that indeed I will be taking it to go.  And then I wait.  And wait.  And wait some more.  Did they have to go to Richmond to get my slice?  What is taking so long?

Now anyone who has ever been to a Barnes and Noble cafe knows that they are incredibly tiny.  You can see everyone with one quick sweeping glance.  So imagine my surprise when the man comes back and shouts, “Pumpkin Cheesecake to go!  Did someone order pumpkin cheesecake to go?”  Did my face just morph into another face while he was in the kitchen?  Does he seriously not recognize me?  I walk up to the counter to claim my frozen cheesecake.  I reach for  the bag, and he pulls it away.  Seriously?!  Are we really going to do this?  “Ma’am, before I give you this cheesecake, there is something I need to tell you.  This slice of cheesecake is frozen.  You cannot eat it now.  You’re going to have to wait until after dinner.”  Didn’t we JUST have this conversation?  Does he think I’m four and have a short attention span?  Or maybe he thinks I have early onset dementia?  Just give me my damn cheesecake!  My inner voice reminds me that I am wearing a sweatshirt with a Bible verse.  This is not the time to jump the counter and beat the stupid man with a fork!

I must have zoned out because I hear him saying, “Ma’am?  Do you hear me Ma’am?  I didn’t put a fork in the bag because it would break because your cheesecake is FROZEN.  You’re gonna have to eat it at home.”  I lean over that counter ever so slightly, snatch that bag out of the crazy man’s hand, holler “Got it!” behind me, and bolt out of there.

I return home, lovingly place my cheesecake on the counter, and threaten to hurt anybody who touches it.  It took several hours, and it was only partially thawed, but I ate that tasty treat.  I kinda felt like a rebel as I bit into a slightly frozen bite knowing that the man at the cafe would probably stroke if he knew.  But I loved every bite!

Now the moral of the story is that from now on you should buy an entire cheesecake and keep it in your freezer so you don’t have to deal with crazy people.  But for now I will just begin to ask myself how I will treat myself next Saturday, but I can assure you it won’t be with a treat from Mr. Frozen at Barnes and Noble!

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I’m a Christian mom and wife, former journalist, and southern girl. I love monograms, sweet tea, and saying yes ma’am and ya’ll.